May 19, 2010

False alarms

Ever had a day when every vessel, every compartment, every secret of your body, mind, spirit, has been completely drained and you have nothing left to give--or really receive, either?

As I prepare to salute an end to this day, and to thank a Father (and husband) who kept me afloat, I wonder how I'll possibly find my way back to renewal. But I know it will come.

I am exceedingly grateful for a seamless pregnancy. But I am on my second false labor hospital visit and it's getting discouraging. You've stayed with me during my pregnancy updates, and it doesn't seem fair to leave out the "bad stuff," so here's some of it.

I don't feel like I should be allowed to complain about things, however the hurt in my heart is real; I cry a lot (hello, hormones). And to be frank, my ego is a bit bruised that I can't figure out what my body is doing: I have lots of painful contractions but until the baby's head engages, they are futile.

While this is about me, a smidgen, and I have the honor of giving Shawn and Wilder this gift, it's not
all about me. God has a plan for our Eenie Meenie, and that includes the beautiful story of his/her arrival into this world. I am trying, trying, reaching, leaning into that hope. And into the fact that we're almost done!

The normal Mindy would've oohed and ahhed over the momma and her newborn, sitting in the wheelchair today, waiting to leave the hospital for a new world together. Instead I stood over by the elevator, sobbing...people all around; I didn't care. And I cried, hopefully not too loudly, "she gets to go home with her baby and mine's still inside!!"

Even though that hurt, even though I wish it was my turn, what a very lucky thing to be able to say that baby and I are healthy. There is a bigger picture than my disappointment, a lovely painting unfolding.

p.s.--you get a scroungy prego picture (38 wks, 5 dys)--had been up since 4am when Shawn took this at 10:30am.
p.p.s.--thank you, E, for looking after W today.


Shannon said...'re totally allowed to feel whatever you want right now. The last month is so hard and it's not fair you have to feel futile contractions. I know there are bigger issues that people are dealing with but right now this is yours. The baby will be here very, very soon. Try to get some rest after such an exhausting day. :)

Weza said...

Oh poor darling, I feel so very sad for you. Heres hoping the next time you feel those intense pains it is not in vain.

Julie said...

I love you, Mindy! I'm sorry the end is so hard. You come to mind so often and I will be praying you have strength to go through another day and that this baby will come soon! Can't wait to meet her (or him . . . either would be absolutely perfect and wonderful, but i am hoping for a little playmate for Calla!).

Andrea said...

I had a lot of prodromal labor with my 2nd pregnancy, too...always thinking, "This is it!", only to have them fade away. It's so trying, I know.
I have a friend who just delivered her baby this last week--she was 10 days overdue and had been at an 8 (!!) for days. She was convinced she would be pregnant forever, and I was beginning to wonder!
The good thing is, those contractions ARE doing something, even if it isn't the something you want. Your body is gearing up, and maybe, just maybe, it will make your labor quicker and you won't be as tired and will get to enjoy that sweet little bundle soon. Hang in there. You're almost done--and believe me, I know that's easier said than done.

Michelle said...

The end of pregnancy is so very very hard! And I totally understand that overwhelming feeling that this baby MUST come out now - that there is absolutely no way you could possibly survive being pregnant one more day. I usually start feeling that way when I have two more months to go. Hang in there dear!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Miss Mindy - I have just now stumbled upon your blog off the meetup site - and can't believe how talented you are. You are such a good writer. (A talent I wish I had.) Your blog is wonderful.

On another note, I feel SO SORRY FOR YOU!! Hadley and I are hoping this new baby greets you and your family real soon - so you can get back to your happy cheerful self!!!!!

If you ever need a thing - or someone to vent too - or someone to entertain Wilder - just let us know! ('cause I think Hadley has a crush on him!!!)


Stacey said...

Big Big Hugs!!

Shonda said...

Oh, Mindy, I know how you feel! You will be holding your little one very soon. Totally understand (mine was a week late) and hope you don't have to wait too much longer.
Blessings, Shonda

Kate said...

big big hugs. I know the feeling, but just remember, you aren't overdue YET!!! She/He will come when he/she is ready...although it does NOT make the waiting and anticipation easier! <3

ricky said...

I'm praying for you!
Love you much,